Dear FDA,

I feel you must investigate the use of Americone Dream as a possible labor and delivery aid.

During my previous pregnancy, I ate some of the ice cream a week before my due date and promptly went into labor. During this pregnancy, I went into labor spontaneously but it progressed so slowly that I resorted to eating the ice cream -- at which point the pace quickened noticeably and my daughter was born a few hours later.

Pregnant women should be notified, especially, not to eat the ice cream before their 37th week. Please see what you can do to expedite this.

Sincerely,

A bemused Colbert fan