I'm really, really, really not sure when it became mandatory to school your child before they even start school.

And I'm not just saying this because I got asked over the holidays whether I'd signed kiddo up for any classes yet -- again. (Note to self: Suggest alternate conversational topics to this person.) Horror of horrors, Mean Bad Mommy hasn't been expanding her child's mind lately.

No, I genuinely don't understand the point of music lessons or French lessons for someone who's, say, still learning to talk. Especially to the tune of several hundred dollars. What, he's going to get preemptively barred from Ivy League if we don't load his head up with learning now? Good -- then maybe we can afford college.

I'm all for tossing him in a room with other kids and getting him socialized. But I'm pretty sure there are less pretentious ways to do it. Like storytime at the library. Oh, wait -- storytime is at 3 p.m. on a Tuesday. Or 2 p.m. on a Thursday. Or some other time I could never actually make, because like most people in this pricey, rat-racey area, I work. To sum up: The service I've already paid for with my taxes, I can't use; the ones I might be able to use, I pay out the nose for. Assuming any of those aren't 2 p.m. on a Thursday, and I think most of them are.

So here's my plan to build a smarter child. Virtually guaranteed and nearly cost-free.

1. Find book. (A library book even!)

2. Put child in lap.

3. Read book to child.

4. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

So far he seems down with this plan. To the point where he'll shove a book in your hands, saying, "Do!" then spin around and plop into your lap. Too funny.

As for the socialization ... if he starts seeming antisocial, then I'll worry.