So far so good

On the weather, I mean. No signs of any superstorms. Or snowpacalypses. There is a pretty good chance of rain this week, but do you think for a second that kids are going to let a little rain stop them? Oh no. They'll trick or treat under umbrellas. They'll wear rain galoshes over their superhero boots. They'll talk their parents into driving them from house to house. (Note: We would never do this.) We are 0 for 2 on actually getting to celebrate Halloween on Halloween, instead of sitting in the dark/sitting in a storm shelter/sitting on an hour-long gas line/sitting in a hotel room because we can't stay in our house. We will not be denied. We will have costume parades and trick or treating and ritual viewings of "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown." Because we are Jersey Strong and we want candy.

I mean, unless the locusts show up.

Anyway there had better be trick or treating this year or I will end up eating all the peanut butter cups stashed in our pantry. Which, technically speaking, I probably should not do.

I am hoping that kiddo remembers to stay with his adult guide instead of seeing a group of kids going house to house and running off to join them.  I am also hoping he doesn't become so candy-crazed that he starts running across the street without looking first.

I'm hoping a lot of things with kiddo. I'm hoping he quits having meltdowns, because they seem to have reentered his regular emotional rotation. I'm hoping he quits blurting things out in class. I'm hoping he stops picking bedtime to be the time he hyperfocuses on his Legos and can't be budged for any reason whatsoever.

There have been some frustrating moments the past couple weeks, let's say.

But whatever. It's Halloween. Since we have the option, apparently, for the first time in three years, I want the kids to have fun on Halloween. Parades and candy and everything.
And we're guaranteed to not even get through a third of the candy because DH and I are pretty strict on treats, but the point is the acquisition, isn't it?

So, Happy Halloween to you, and may there be no snowstorms or superstorms or locusts. And kiddo ... well, he'll do the best he can do. Whatever his best happens to be. 

Arguing the hypothesis

Kiddo was supposed to be getting moving yesterday, and getting ready for karate class. Instead he was hunting down his plastic sword so he could have swordfights with, I dunno, the air? and intently trying to build a truck out of Legos. (He has a book showing different Lego creations you can make, and he seems to regard it the way I do a recipe book -- as useful source material.) He didn't want to put his uniform on, he didn't want to pick out a change of clothes for after class, and the more DH and I nagged and warned him, the more stubborn and upset he got, until he went into full-on screamy meltdown mode and refused to even sit in the chair for time out. I had to take him by the shoulders and sit him down.

He calmed down after that, and after time out was done, he and I hugged and apologized to each other and he was able to get his shoes on and go. And he was giggling and goofing around like the whole thing had never happened. Typical. (Not neurotypical. But typical.)

He hasn't had a meltdown like that in a long time. Seeing one all over again reminded me that it has been a long time, and he's been better able to hold it together when asked to complete tasks. It also reminded me how horrible those meltdowns are, and how stressful to deal with, and how almost exasperating it can be to watch him having totally forgotten about it two minutes later. I almost expect scenes like that to have some sort of emotional aftereffect. Like a meltdown hangover, if you will. But no.

This morning at church (UU fellowship but "church" is fewer syllables), kiddo only kicked his legs against the pew a few extra times before I glared him into stopping. So that was fine. Generally the problem is after services, when I go downstairs to collect the kids from RE class and they're jumping around the room and stealing extra snacks from the snack table. This time, some of the other boys were goofing around on bongos (yes, bongos. Just go with it) and cracking silly jokes, and kiddo found this all so hilarious that he went into extra-hyper overdrive, giggling madly, bouncing around, trying to join in. Generally when he gets like that, it's Code Red for "get him out of the room before he really goes too far and hurts himself/hurts someone else/damages property." He was so wound up I practically dragged him out of the room, after several unsuccessful attempts to get him to voluntarily walk out. And then of course a well-meaning elderly lady stopped me to tell me about how when her kids -- or grandkids, I didn't really hear her -- were being just like little jumping beans, she would make them do somersaults, or something like that. I didn't really hear her because in the time it took her to stop me and tell me all about jumping beans, my kids had already run upstairs and were heading right for the parking lot. Hey thanks for the advice. You know what would've been more useful? Staying out of my way so I could more effectively keep the kids away from moving cars. Just a thought.

I mention all this as a leadup to this article in the Times, which I notice is being namechecked all over the Twitters today so people can trash ADHD as being trumped-up and fake and a big conspiracy by Big Pharma and incompetent bureaucratic schools etc. First of all, you think ADHD is fake? You take my kids to church. Second of all, that's not exactly what the article is saying.

The writer's point -- and she acknowledges up front that she has ADHD herself, which alone is some sort of breakthrough here, because generally Times stories about ADHD only talk about how college kids are OD'ing on stimulants -- is that the rise in diagnoses might be related to sociological factors as much as medical need. First of all, she notes:

Most children are given the diagnosis on the basis of a short visit with their pediatrician. In fact, the diagnosis can be as simple as prescribing Ritalin to a child and telling the parents to see if it helps improve their school performance.

Right, I agree, that's no way to diagnose. I keep harping on the fact that general practitioners shouldn't be making these calls. That's why we went to a pediatric neurologist.

The sociologists she quotes say that the policy shift making ADHD kids eligible for academic accommodations -- extra time on tests, etc. -- made the diagnosis more appealing, and linking school funds to students' test scores coincided with a jump in ADHD diagnoses in some states. 

Well, my kids are going to have to take standardized tests no matter what I think of them, so I won't go into that now. I can only speak for myself here: I didn't push to have kiddo evaluated so he would get better grades. I pushed because he couldn't function at school and he couldn't function at home. I pushed because the screamy fit he had yesterday used to be an everyday occurrence, and just being around him was mentally exhausting. Stick that on your standardized test.

A psychiatry professor she quotes offers this:

Schools used to punish kids who wouldn’t sit still. Today we tend to see those kids as needing therapy and medicine. When people don’t fit in, we react by giving their behavior a label, either medicalizing it, criminalizing it or moralizing it ...

Oh, if only kiddo's entire problem had been sitting still in class.

The problem with this article -- and don't get me wrong, I think it's generally a well-written, well-researched article -- is that it operates on several assumptions. One, that all kids diagnosed with ADHD automatically get fed stimulants. There are, in fact, no hard numbers in the article about how many of those kids actually do take stimulants. Some families can and do operate without them. Two, that the only ways ADHD shows up are in academic underachievement and fidgeting in the classroom. This completely leaves out issues like 1. inability to read social cues, 2. no understanding of "personal space" (really a subset of 1), 3. lack of "executive function" skills, 4. delayed behavioral/emotional development, 5. delayed motor skills, 6. hyperfocus (granted hyperfocus can be a bit of a plus sometimes). And none of this touches on frequently co-occurring (or "comorbid") disorders like Asperger's, Tourette's, dyslexia/dyspraxia or OCD/anxiety disorders.  

Are there not-incredibly-educated authority figures out there looking for a quick-fix solution, or a way to game a funding system? Let's say it wouldn't surprise me. But I don't think that should take away from the fact that ADHD is real and there is genetic evidence to support that (as the writer says, early on). Unfortunately, all that the commenters on this article seem to have gotten out of the article is that kids today watch too much TV and eat too much sugar and never ever play outside, and that's the whole goshdarn problem.

Oh yeah? Kiddo gets restricted screen time and loves playing outside every chance he gets. (Like today, when we were on the playground for an hour.) As for the diet ...

Me: "Hey, sweetie, we're going to have chef salad for dinner this week."

Kiddo: "Yay!"

And yet he still has ADHD. How about that.

The down and the up

So for a while I was posting on ADDitude's message boards, seeking other moms/kids/etc. dealing with ADHD, looking for the same answers we were, maybe looking for fellowship and a place to vent. And it worked -- that's how I and the other ADHD moms in our little informal group found each other. They're awesome women and all our respective kids are doing pretty well in school right now.

The thread I was posting on is still up there, and that's how another poster found me, an adult with ADHD. They asked about our group, I explained that we're all moms of ADHD kids, but that certainly we're available for anyone to vent or commiserate. The person wrote back explaining that what they really needed was a support group, because their professional and personal lives were in shambles, and they didn't know what to do anymore. (Note I'm leaving most details out, to respect the person's privacy.) I felt awful. Advise a fellow mom about the benefits of a 504 plan? That I can do. Help an adult who's got way more hand-on experience with ADHD than I will ever have? There I'm out of my depth. The person wasn't really interested in talking further, but I offered the name of my old therapist, who deals with a lot of ADHD adults, and I wished them luck. Which I think was about the limit of my usefulness.

My therapist had always said that adults with ADHD, the more severe cases, can't handle money, can't hold down a job, can't maintain relationships. What are they supposed to do? Who helps them? And what if that's my son in 30 years?

On the other hand, I was poking around the Interwebs and I found this, written by a TV documentary filmmaker in the U.K. He realized late in life that he probably had ADHD, but decided it was a gift, not a curse, because it gave him endless energy and the ability to mega-multitask.

He says:

By the age of 26, I had directed 26 plays, two operas and two TV dramas.
Then I switched to being a documentary film-maker and have made more than 130 films and studio dramas as director, producer, series producer and now executive producer.
Last year I executive-produced 13 films, and am responsible for nine so far this year.
In my 50s, I also became a writer - three books and hundreds of articles so far.


(I'm tired just reading that.)

He adds:

So I hope the parents and teachers of children with these problems, and those who have suffered from ADHD, will see beyond its drawbacks to a future of excitement and creativity if sufferers are given the chance to learn how to use their energy positively.

Well, thank you, Mr. Graef. I hope you're right. I hope we figure out how to channel kiddo's energy and hyperfocus in the right way. I hope we all don't fail this generation of ADHD kids. And I hope my ADDitude correspondent finds whatever they need to get through. 

It's ADHD Awareness Month ...

But since it's also Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I think people are probably not clamoring to be more aware of ADHD. There's only so much awareness to go around.

OK, I did find this funny.

I'm just not sure what ADHD Awareness Month is supposed to accomplish, and I think that's why I find it a little frustrating. (Also, I could swear it was just a week last year?) You're not going to cure ADHD. Frankly I'm not sure you should. There are a lot of upsides to it -- creativity, energy, hyperfocus. The ability to multitask, since an ADHDer would be doing 15 things at once anyway. Hypersensitivity to what others are saying and thinking can be damaging, but it can also lead to a sense of empathy for others, and an increased ability to "read the room" and figure out how everyone is feeling or thinking. I've seen this in action with kiddo; if someone else is upset, he's upset. That sense of empathy would be useful in all sorts of professions, and I think it makes him a better person. Getting kiddo to adulthood is going to be, at times, challenging, but I think it's going to be a rewarding effort, and I wouldn't trade that for anything.


Basically, looking at the official website, it looks like the way to raise awareness is to assume the defensive crouch and say "ADHD is real and stop calling me a lousy parent!" over and over until someone believes you. The listed events appear to be talk radio shows or seminars for people who are already dealing with ADHD, which is great, but it's not raising awareness. (That is what is known in political punditry as "the echo chamber.") Here are some of the site's suggestions for what you can do:

• Contact organizations in your community to recognize and hold ADHD Awareness Month activities. 

(An activity is not telling people to hold an activity.)

• Contact a State Legislator to have your State declare ADHD Awareness Month. (Google: ”yourstatename legislature”).

(Right, our politicians have absolutely nothing else going on right now.)

• Arrange for a local library or community center display on ADHD.

 (OK, that one actually sounds useful.)
 

• Do not feel limited to the month of October. Keep spreading the word and holding activities throughout the month of October.

(Guys, proofreading?)


I know I'm just bomb-throwing over here, but it's out of a certain amount of frustration. The years change and the conversation remains the same, and no matter what this website says, there are still going to be people who think ADHD is bogus, and they will say so in online comments on every single news story about ADHD. If you want to raise awareness -- really raise awareness -- you have to do more than put up a website. I'm just saying.

But *sigh* tell you what, I'll do my part. Here goes:

Yes, ADHD is real. No, my kid doesn't eat too much sugar. Yes, he likes fruits and vegetables. Yes, he also likes playing outside. No, he does not watch too much TV. Or spend too much time on the computer. Or have his own cellphone. No, just telling him to try harder does not work. Neither does spanking. No, the point of medicating is not to create little kiddie zombies. Or to help college kids ace their exams. Yes, medicating is sometimes necessary, not so the child gets good grades but so the child (or adult) can function. No, I do not care what your third cousin twice removed who read a magazine once says causes ADHD, unless your third cousin twice removed is a pediatric neurologist. And finally: No, I'm not a lousy parent. Thank you and good night.

A promising scene, and a new worry

Kiddo's school had its annual PTA ice cream social last week. Basically it's a PTA meeting for about two seconds and then it's an excuse to give the kids ice cream and let them run around the auditorium, and then outside on the playground in the dark. You'd think that would be a bad idea, but there have been no reported injuries, and there's just enough ambient light that you can more or less pick out your kids on the jungle gym or wherever they are. The only problem is when you decide it's bedtime, and then your children, hopped up on ice cream and the thrill of after-hours playground time, scatter to the winds and now you have to chase after them in the dark. I think strobe lights would be really helpful in this case. Someone could flash them on selected kids as needed and then the parents could more easily grab them. Or possibly this would be a good reason to install homing devices on their hoodies. Either way.

What I liked about the social was watching kiddo (before we moved outside, that is). He fell right in with the other boys from his class. They ran around the room together. They created an ad-hoc conga line together. One sweet kid with a gap-toothed smile even came over to DH to ask if he was kiddo's dad, and then to introduce himself. Pretty good manners for a first-grader.

I've always been most worried about kiddo's interactions with other kids, because social cues are so hard for him, he has issues with personal space, he can't handle losing at anything, he's not always good at sharing toys, etc. I tend to worry about that more than his academics, although admittedly his academics are so far pretty good so that's an easy choice to make. But he's clearly getting along with other kids. They were coming over to say hi to him, to give him a hug, to get him to come play. And that's really reassuring. Also, I will be sad when they all outgrow hugging each other, because it's so adorable.

I also said hi to kiddo's kindergarten teacher, who is super-involved and always at school functions, and she said nice things about his current teacher (and about us). So that was reassuring too.

The worry, right now, is kiddette.

I have at times described her as tough, assertive, determined, not afraid of things. All of which will be really beneficial for her when she's grown up and ruling the planet. Right now, though, she's getting in trouble at preschool. She isn't listening to her teacher. She talks back at times. She's being a total disruption at naptime, noisy, throwing a book when she's done with it. We're having obedience issues at home, too.

At the ice cream social, she was the only little girl running right around with the boys, doing everything they did (including jumping right up on the stage in the multipurpose room, even after I'd told her not to), and at the end of the night, she was the one who was harder to corral for bedtime. She had a total meltdown about needing to go home.

So. Running around, not listening, being defiant, throwing things, getting in trouble at school. Stop me if you've heard this song before?

I'd say it's too early to diagnose kiddette, except that kiddo was diagnosed at age 4. She doesn't seem to have the sensory issues he does, but ... well. Either she's potentially got ADHD or she's being an unbelievable brat right now for no good reason.

I think it's probably too early to panic. But it has been a real struggle to stop myself from yelling at her on just about a daily basis. I'm inclined to take a wait-and-see approach, though in the meantime I'm going to use the techniques I use on kiddo and see if they work.

I don't think I want two kids with ADHD. That is entirely too much chaos.

The week of everything

Well, not everything. I don't remember seeing any locusts. But they're going to show up Oct. 30 so Halloween gets canceled again and we can all lose power for two weeks and wait on hour-long lines at gas stations. I don't know how locusts will make us lose power but it will happen. Maybe they'll chew through everyone's electrical cords. Schedule it now, people. 2011: Snowmageddon/Hurricane Irene. 2012: Superstorm Sandy. 2013: Locusts.

What actually happened this week was, three days of physical therapy sessions -- which I have now been doing for a month, and it's helping, but back pain still wakes me up in the middle of the night sometimes -- plus two different Back to School nights for two different children at two different schools, back to back, plus our meeting with school officials to update kiddo's 504 plan, plus meeting up with my fellow ADHD moms for dinner, drinks and commiseration, plus wrapping up the details on kiddette's 4th birthday party, which was Saturday. It is surprisingly difficult to figure out the goodie bags if you have zero time to get to a store and buy things. I ended up doing something I never do: I went to Wal-Mart. I hate Wal-Mart. But all the other stores I like better don't happen to be open until midnight.

Incidentally, there is something ... off about Wal-Mart late at night. Maybe it's the gloomy lighting, or the lack of people. Or the fact that the people who are there seem to wander like lost souls. Or maybe it was the creepy guy zipping around the store on one of those motorized store carts while wearing a Hulk mask, not appearing to do any work, not saying a word. If I'd seen that guy in the parking lot afterward I was fully prepared to throw something heavy at his head and run like hell. Although I'm not sure what I would've thrown, since multicolored plastic stencils and bags of fun size candy don't weigh much.

Back to School went well, for both kids. Kiddette is fine academically. Her desire to tell everyone else in the world what to do, however, is getting her in trouble. We don't let her pull that crap at home, either, so maybe she'll settle down a little.

Kiddo is also doing well. His math and reading skills are good, he's listening, he's doing his work, he's not getting in trouble. He loves reading, his teacher noted. And right there, that would be enough to make me happy. Any kid of mine should love reading. She also said she hadn't seen any of the misbehaviors he'd been showing last year, and that he's a sweet boy. Hooray!

The 504 plan has basically been fine-tuned to reflect the change in schedule, and to encourage him to be less anxious about getting his work done perfectly, because that seems to be the issue right now: If his classwork or homework is somehow less than perfect, he gets upset and can't seem to move on from that. But really, a good meeting overall -- everyone in the room seemed to be on the same page, and to have good things to say about our boy.

Kiddette's party went fabulously (plus a delightful visit from C. and company), and the 500-decibel shrieking you heard was the sound of her reacting to all her lovely gifts. (I didn't even know they still made Lite Brite. They do.) I got her a little musical jewelry box with a twirling ballerina inside, because I had one when I was a kid, and I loved it. Both kids are fascinated with it, and let's hope that ballerina is still twirling in a week, not keeling over from overuse. Also, kiddo has been getting a little too enthusiastic about "helping" his sister open her presents, to the point where I started taking them away from him. He occasionally has this "what's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine" take on toys. Kiddette is way more patient with that than he has any right to expect, but I still need to step in sometimes.

Much of today, of course, was spent trying to make the family room look less like an entire toy store was just dumped in the middle of it. I have this thing about being able to see the floor.

So, kiddette has been well and truly celebrated, kiddo is having good school days and my back is functioning. On to the next week, in which I will not need to buy anything for any goodie bags.

So far, so good

I mean, aside from kiddo cutting a hole in the front of his brand-new shirt on the first day of school. Apparently they were doing an arts-and-crafts thing of some sort. "The scissors you gave me were too sharp, Mommy," kiddo said. Yes, scissors have an unfortunate tendency to be sharp, since they are used to cut things. How about that, kiddo?

I can't really come down on him, though, because of the thing I did in nursery school once. Which is, I cut a boy's hair. For absolutely no reason. Just reached over with the scissors and snipped a lock off. I got in all kinds of trouble, of course, and the boy I think needed some supplementing trimming at the salon to neaten everything out. To this day I don't know what I was thinking. So at least kiddo only caused damage to his own person, and at least it was just a shirt. Which we have decided will now be his "art smock," since he already wrecked it.

Otherwise we haven't gotten any horrible reports yet. Though granted, what with Labor Day and Rosh Hashanah, he's only been in school two days so far. (I imagine he'll have many more opportunities next week to wreck his outfits.) The 504 coordinator wants to wait a week or two to see how he's settling in, then adjust the accommodations accordingly. That makes sense.

I have high hopes for his teacher, though, whom several other mom friends with older boys recommended. She's very structured, they said, and I said, perfect. A laid-back, whatever teacher would be a disaster for him.

She met us at the door on the first day, as we were doing the usual dork-parent thing and waiting in front of the school to snap a shot of him coming off the bus, then walking him to his room. The very first thing she said was to thank me for writing the letter to her, explaining what kiddo is good at and what he needs help with. She said it was very helpful. I was thrilled she'd read it, let alone liked it. That made my day.

I also shared the letter with the other ADHD moms I've been meeting up with -- our own personal support group -- and they liked the letter so much some of them were planning on ripping it off for their own kids. I am totally in favor of that. In fact I am so in favor of that that I am posting it here (with some details changed, of course). If one teacher liked it, I bet others would too. Steal away.

Dear XXXXX,

            I’m glad to know that my son XXXXX will be in your class this coming school year. I’d like to tell you a little bit about him.

XXXX has ADHD and has a 504 plan for classroom accommodations. In XXXXX class last year, those accommodations included a fidget toy, a band around the bottom of his seat and a special cushion to sit on. He has had issues with sitting still and with being physically aggressive with other children, due to sensory overload. He presents certain challenges, but offers a lot of positives as well.

He’s extremely friendly and loves to laugh. He wants to be helpful and to please adults, even if he doesn’t always quite manage to do it. He’s creative and smart, and loves to read. He also loves computer time and shows some skill with mathematics. He’s capable of a great many things, but may need extra help in achieving them.

           

We’ve found that being very clear and direct helps with XXXX. He will question instructions but given an answer, tends to be satisfied. Any opportunity for physical activity will benefit him (he does also have a weighted vest to assist with the physical stimulation, and has been receiving occupational therapy through the school). Repetitive or routine work will not go well with him, even though it’s certainly necessary. His brain isn’t stimulated enough by the activity and he will seem to find it almost painful. The occasional break, or even just a chance to stand up and stretch, should make a difference. He does enjoy any opportunity to be creative or to tell a story; you may find those tendencies helpful.

           

Other methods that seem to work are seating him close to the teacher’s desk and making him either line leader or line “caboose,” enabling the teacher to watch him more closely. We use a Time Timer at home, or the timers on our phones; sometimes the only way to get him to complete a task is to encourage him to “beat the clock.” He’s proud of himself when he’s able to do that. He does have issues with transitions; I’ve found that either using the timer, or telling him, “I’m going to count to five and then you need to do this,” is effective. (Sometimes the counting alone will work, without a stated consequence.) He also has trouble controlling his emotions sometimes, especially if he loses a game or if things don’t go the way he thinks they should. At home, we ask him to count backward from 10 to 1 and take a deep breath, which is generally effective. To ensure he’s listening to you, it’s a good idea to either touch him on the shoulder or make him repeat back to you what you said.

He’s very social and wants friends, but will unintentionally invade personal space or say inappropriate things. He was part of a social skills group last year, and I hope he is offered that opportunity again this year. We have seen some improvement in that area.

 

I hope you find this information useful. My husband and I look forward to working with you this school year. Our contact information is below; please don’t hesitate to reach out to either one of us if you have a question or something you need to discuss. Thanks and looking forward to meeting you.